Parenthood

Parenting and parenthood are two completely different things. Parenting is the process of raising and educating your children, while parenthood is the state of being an actual parent (Parenting Vs Parenthood - What's the Difference? | WikiDiff, n.d.). “ Pregnancy and the transition to parenthood are major adjustment periods within a family. Existing studies have asked parents, retrospectively, about their experience of antenatal education, mainly focusing on women. We sought to address this gap by asking first-time mothers and their partners about how they could be better supported during the antenatal period, particularly in relation to the transition to parenthood and parenting skills,” (Ingram, 2008). In this study the purpose was to conduct this study on 24 women from two healthcare organizations. The results of this study were that the knowledge of transitioning into parenthood was very poor. Women felt more supported, especially by female relatives, and if they supported postnatal groups. Men felt involved with their wife’s pregnancy, but not involved with antenatal appointments and antenatal classes. The parents had been unaware and surprised with the changes in their relationships. Both would have liked to have had more knowledge on parenting and baby care (Transition to Parenthood: Is Truth Stranger Than Fiction?, n.d.).  

There are so many myths that can prevent couples from entering parenthood. The common myths are that mothers should be calm, grateful and confident. Mothering is intuitive and comes naturally. Childbirth is to be embraced and celebrated in its entirety. Mothers bond with their babies immediately. A mother is selfish if she expresses her own needs. A good mother is always available to her child. Couples always agree on approaches to parenting. And birthing a healthy baby brings closure to all prior pregnancy related losses (Adjusting to Parenthood - After Birth, n.d.).  We sometimes set the expectation that we aren’t going to be good enough to be parents. This is so far from the truth. We may set certain expectations, but in the end we may surprise ourselves with how prepared we actually are. In reality, no family is exactly the same. Parents all have their own way of handling parenthood even if it isn’t the way most people may do it. 

Transitioning to parenthood can be terrifying for everyone. It is important to expand your knowledge on the best ways to make these transitions. It may be a learning process at first, but in the end it is worth it. Setting certain expectations with your spouse and communicating with each other can really make a difference with these major life changing experiences. 

References

Adjusting to parenthood - After Birth. (n.d.). PANDA. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.panda.org.au/info-support/after-birth/adjusting-to-parenthood

Blackburn, J., & Parthemer, J. (n.d.). The Transition to Parenthood. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/product/the-transition-to-parenthood/

Carter, S. (2010, July 6). After You Say “I Do”: Adjusting to Marriage. Ohioline. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://ohioline.osu.edu/factsheet/FLM-FS-2-01-R10

Emery, R. (2021, September 13). How to Transition From Being Engaged to Married. Brides. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.brides.com/story/how-to-transition-from-being-engaged-to-married

Ingram, J. (2008, July 29). Transition to parenthood: the needs of parents in pregnancy and early parenthood - BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-2393-8-30

Lindenbach, R. (2018, August 21). 10 of the Hardest Adjustments to Make After Marriage. To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2018/08/adjusting-to-marriage/

Marriage. (n.d.). Psychology Today. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage

Parenting vs Parenthood - What's the difference? | WikiDiff. (n.d.). WikiDiff |. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://wikidiff.com/parenting/parenthood

7 Tips for How to Adjust to Married Life. (n.d.). Cru. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.cru.org/us/en/blog/life-and-relationships/marriage/7-tips-for-how-to-adjust-to-married-life.html

Transition to parenthood: Is truth stranger than fiction? (n.d.). International Forum for Wellbeing in Pregnancy. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.ifwip.org/transition-to-parenthood/

The Transition to Parenthood: What Happened to Me? — Developmental Science. (2015, November 30). Developmental Science. Retrieved February 19, 2022, from https://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2015/11/30/the-transition-to-parenthood-what-happened-to-me

Transitioning To Marriage

Transitioning to marriage can be very complex. Marriage is a huge change that a lot of people look forward to their whole lives. For most it may come unexpectedly, while others may over prepare for these life changes. Couples can go into these major transitions with no knowledge. It is very important that people are educated on what to expect during the early stages of parenthood and marriage. Being better prepared will help to limit the amount of problems people may face while entering these transitions. Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official and permanent. It’s the joining of two people in a bond that lasts until death (Marriage, n.d.). Marriage is a huge change that people have to adjust to. You aren’t only changing your status from single to in a relationship, but you have to change your whole living style. You are now living with another person that you share a bed with, bathroom, money, etc. There may be things that you have to change about your old living habits. You have to give up things as well as learning new things in order to grow as a couple.There are multiple tips that are helpful when adjusting to marriage. First, you get to live together. You get to go from living two separate lives to one. It’s exciting knowing you get to live with your spouse under one roof for forever. Second, you have expectations set for yourself as a spouse. As a spouse you set certain expectations for yourself in your relationship. You may have the expectation of having to cook for every meal. It is important that you communicate with your spouse on what these certain expectations are. Third, realize how different your families are. You and your spouse may come from completely different families and lifestyles. There are both healthy and bad habits that are picked up from each family. It is important to realize that, and to determine as a couple what works best for you guys. Fourth, communication is key. It is crucial that you and your spouse communicate. Communication is probably the most important thing in a relationship. “Whether it’s planning an event, making a big decision or being vulnerable, learning how to communicate as a couple is an important part of a healthy marriage. It’s no longer just you and your thoughts and feelings; someone else now needs to be intentionally brought into those parts of your life. But communication isn’t just about talking to talk; it’s about openness and intimacy,” (7 Tips for How to Adjust to Married Life, n.d.). 

Dating

  Dating is something every person looks forward to. Dating can be fun sometimes! Being able to meet new people, go out to new places, feel the excitement of a potential new relationship (Lane,2021). You get to experience multiple dates doing activities, while getting to know someone. I know I always looked forward to dating while I was growing up. I couldn't wait to get asked out on dates and experience what other 16 year olds were experiencing. But dating isn't like what it used to be. 

    Dating used to be where a guy or girl would ask a person that they wanted to get to know better. A date was then planned out and scheduled with the person of your choosing. Dating has changed a ton to where we don't even date. Dating has changed a lot over the course of history, and, while technology has certainly played a role in that, societal roles have also shifted and given way to more freedom, self-expression, and experimentation when it comes to getting to know a potential partner (Lane, 2021).

    There are so many positive things that you can learn from and about dating.

        1. You act less selfish

        2. Your stress levels are lowered

        3. Reduced risk of depression

        4. You feel happier

        5. You feel invincible 

        6. You feel like someone gets you

        7. You learn about yourself

        8. Your world is expanded

        9. You learn to compromise

        10. You can stay healthy together

A lot of the previous reasons why dating is good are things most people don’t even think about. Dating in today's society consists of hook ups or not even dating at all. We have the tendency to date people until we hate them or they hate us. We date exclusively when we aren't ready for marriage. We put all our eggs in one basket hoping that it’ll work out for the long term. If we aren’t dating exclusively then we are simply just “hanging out” 

Hanging out is the new dating in today’s world. We ask to hang out in fear of being rejected if we asked someone on a date. You put one foot in the door to see if you like hanging with the person or to consider talking to them longer with the possibility of another hang out. A lot of times it ends in ghosting. You stopped talking to the person, stopped answering calls and texts with no explanation. You avoid having an adult conversation that you aren’t interested in. This often leaves the person being ghosted very angry, hurt, and confused. You wonder what you did wrong and what made them decide to ghost you. This is the way this generation dates. Along with that, it has social media and technology involved. We get dating apps to make “dating” faster and easier. You match with people but don’t truly get to know them.

I know dating can be very hard and time consuming. A lot of people have it come easy to them while others take a long time to find that special someone. It’s a good idea to take your time dating while dating lots of people. Dating lots of people helps you to decide what you like and dislike about a person. In the end it helps you know exactly the kind of person you want to date and eventually end up being with. 

References

Lane, K. (2021, September 2). How Dating Has Changed Through History. The List. Retrieved February 11, 2022, from https://www.thelist.com/162252/how-dating-has-changed-through-history/

Renner, A. (n.d.). 10 Reasons Why Being In A Relationship Makes Your Life Better And Healthier. Lifehack. Retrieved February 11, 2022, from https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-reasons-why-being-relationship-makes-your-life-better-and-healthier.html

Impacts of Gender Roles

Gender roles can have a huge impact and shape almost all of our social interactions. Gender can shape how children learn, develop, and even how they choose to express their emotions.Gender roles influence how partners share household chores, how family members communicate with one another, and how parents interact with their children. Research shows that there are similarities and differences between the ways mothers and fathers parent their children and this can impact a child’s understanding of gender roles. Parents and caregivers shape children’s understanding of gender roles through a process called gender role socialization (Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 2). Gender roles can impact families in many different ways depending on the gender structure of the family as well as their social status, culture, and age. 

Research shows that how parents and caregivers teach children about gender roles can impact their learning outcomes and development: • Children are often treated differently when both girls and boys are in the household. Mothers tend to talk more with their daughters than sons, which may be related to girls scoring higher in reading and writing in schools than boys. Parents often assign chores to their children that are stereotypically for girls or boys or make a choice to equally divide chores regardless of gender(Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 2). 

The ways we teach our children about gender is super important. The Tripartite Model of Socialization: The Role of Parents, is a very helpful diagram showing how to be able to better understand and talk about what gender socialization looks like in families. 

Parents Interacting with their Children- Parents socialize gender roles by communicating, modeling behavior, and sharing activities with their children. Parents model similar gender roles by equally sharing child rearing responsibilities. For example, how parents divide household chores like child rearing, lawn care, or cooking dinner teaches children what being a girl or a boy looks like in a family (Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 3). 

Parents Teach their Children- Parents teach their children about gender roles by instructing them about what girls and boys “should” do. By encouraging or discouraging their children’s gendered behavior (or behavior that’s expected for girls or boys), parents shape how their children will behave in the future. For example, a boy who is often told that “boys don’t cry” will learn that boys should hide their emotions (Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 3).

Parents Provide Opportunities to their Children- Parents socialize gender roles by providing similar or different opportunities to their children. Restricting some opportunities for either girls or boys causes some children to be left out and made to feel different or strange. For example, when children are taught that some opportunities are only for either girls or boys, the girls that want to play football or boys that want to be cheerleaders may be teased by their peers (Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 3)

Educating our children as well as ourselves is so important. Especially during our society today. Over the past few years it has become more crucial in being more educated on gender roles and gender roles within families. I was never super educated on gender roles until I got older. I wish that was something that I learned when I was younger so that I could better understand. Now I have a lot more catching up to do as I learn more about what gender roles really mean and the roles that they play in families. 

References

Gender Roles in Families (Vol. 1). (2020). College of Public Health and Human Resources. https://orparenting.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/2020-06-16-Gender-Socialization-Newsletter-Practitioners-V2.pdf

Top 10 Things to know about Family Relations

1. Importance of Family

There are so many families that don't have the opportunity like most families to have children. If we are lucky enough to have kids, it is important to take advantage of that blessing given to us by our Heavenly Father. Brigham Young said, " The children that we don't have may be sent to families where you could have given them what they don't have." God sent us here to replenish and multiply the Earth. He measures our success by following the guidelines of The Family Proclamation. There are so many endless blessings that we can receive by following The Family Proclamation and choosing to have a family of our own. We will always have those fears of whether we are good enough to become parents or not. Over the years being able to watch my parents raise all my siblings has taught me that it's okay to mess up. Messing up gives us more opportunities to learn and grow from our mistakes. No parent is perfect, but it's the effort and love they put in that makes them so great. In the end you will be able to see all the blessings having a family can bring into your life. According to a new study, The American Birth Rate has declined for the sixth consecutive year in 2020. Resulting in the lowest number of babies born since 1979. In 2020 only 3.6 million babies were born in the United States during that time. This marked a 4% decline from the previous year before, says the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) National Center for Health Services (US Birth Rate Falls 4% to Its Lowest Point Ever, 2021).

2. Roles Within The Family

Family roles can shape how we act around and with our family members. These roles can help create and maintain balance within our families (Family Roles |, n.d.). Roles within the family are constantly changing. Especially during the Reconstruction Period in the family. Kids can step up into roles when the family changes. These changes can be the result of a sibling moving out or getting married, or even just maturing with age. The common family roles are: Hero, Rescuer, Mediator, Scapegoat/Blacksheep, Switchboard, Power Broker, Lost Child, Clown, Cheerleader, Nurturer, Thinker, and Truth Teller.

3. Family Immigration

After immigrating to the states, it can become hard for families to stay and deal with finances and hardships. Recently there was a study done on data from the Urban Institute's Well-Being and Basic Needs, Survey, a nationally representative internet-based survey that was conducted in December 2020 to see the effects, hardships, and the financial problems reported by immigrant families. Hardships and financial worries are common for those in families with nonpermanent residents, the group of immigrant families with children can also report avoiding programs because of immigration concerns. More than one quarter of adults had experienced problems trying to pay for bills for their houses, cars, and other needs.(Many Immigrant Families With Children Continued to Avoid Public Benefits in 2020, Despite Facing Hardships, 2021).  There are so many people and families that would sacrifice anything to come to the states to live the "American Dream." Families may leave their middle class status to have no status in a different country. A lot of families may have a good paying job, good house, and a good education. They put that all at risk to move their family in hope that it is the best thing for them. 

4. Gender Roles

Research shows that how parents and caregivers teach children about gender roles can impact their learning outcomes and development: • Children are often treated differently when both girls and boys are in the household. Mothers tend to talk more with their daughters than sons, which may be related to girls scoring higher in reading and writing in schools than boys. Parents often assign chores to their children that are stereotypically for girls or boys or make a choice to equally divide chores regardless of gender(Gender Roles in Families, 2020, 2). The ways we teach our children about gender is super important. The Tripartite Model of Socialization: The Role of Parents, is a very helpful diagram showing how to be able to better understand and talk about what gender socialization looks like in families. 

5. Dating

A lot of the previous reasons why dating is good are things most people don’t even think about. Dating in today's society consists of hook ups or not even dating at all. We have the tendency to date people until we hate them or they hate us. We date exclusively when we aren't ready for marriage. We put all our eggs in one basket hoping that it’ll work out for the long term. If we aren’t dating exclusively then we are simply just “hanging out.” Hanging out is the new dating in today’s world. We ask to hang out in fear of being rejected if we asked someone on a date. You put one foot in the door to see if you like hanging with the person or to consider talking to them longer with the possibility of another hang out. A lot of times it ends in ghosting. You stopped talking to the person, stopped answering calls and texts with no explanation. You avoid having an adult conversation that you aren’t interested in. This often leaves the person being ghosted very angry, hurt, and confused. You wonder what you did wrong and what made them decide to ghost you. This is the way this generation dates. Along with that, it has social media and technology involved. We get dating apps to make “dating” faster and easier. You match with people but don’t truly get to know them.

6. Marriage

A lot of people have the question on how early is too early for marriage? In “Making a Decision at the Appropriate Time” by President Harold B. Lee says, “I am not trying to urge you younger men to marry too early. I think therein is one of the hazards of today’s living. We don’t want a young man to think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family, to have an institution of his own, to be independent. He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other’s faults and they still love each other. I have said to the mission presidents (some of whom have been reported to us as saying to missionaries, ‘Now, if you are not married in six months, you are a failure as a missionary’), ‘Don’t you ever say that to one of your missionaries. Maybe in six months they will not have found a wife; and if they take you seriously, they may rush into a marriage that will be wrong for them.’“Please don’t misunderstand what we are saying; but, brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands the responsibility; for remember, brethren, that only those who enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage in the temple for time and eternity, only those will have the exaltation in the celestial kingdom. That is what the Lord tells us” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1973, 120; or Ensign, Jan. 1974, 100).

7. Transitioning to Marriage

Transitioning to marriage can be very complex. Marriage is a huge change that a lot of people look forward to their whole lives. For most it may come unexpectedly, while others may over prepare for these life changes. Couples can go into these major transitions with no knowledge. It is very important that people are educated on what to expect during the early stages of parenthood and marriage. Being better prepared will help to limit the amount of problems people may face while entering these transitions. Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official and permanent. It’s the joining of two people in a bond that lasts until death (Marriage, n.d.). Marriage is a huge change that people have to adjust to. You aren’t only changing your status from single to in a relationship, but you have to change your whole living style. You are now living with another person that you share a bed with, bathroom, money, etc. There may be things that you have to change about your old living habits. You have to give up things as well as learning new things in order to grow as a couple.

8. Parenthood

Parenting and parenthood are two completely different things. Parenting is the process of raising and educating your children, while parenthood is the state of being an actual parent (Parenting Vs Parenthood - What's the Difference? | WikiDiff, n.d.). There are so many myths that can prevent couples from entering parenthood. The common myths are that mothers should be calm, grateful and confident. Mothering is intuitive and comes naturally. Childbirth is to be embraced and celebrated in its entirety. Mothers bond with their babies immediately. A mother is selfish if she expresses her own needs. A good mother is always available to her child. Couples always agree on approaches to parenting. And birthing a healthy baby brings closure to all prior pregnancy related losses (Adjusting to Parenthood - After Birth, n.d.).  We sometimes set the expectation that we aren’t going to be good enough to be parents. This is so far from the truth. We may set certain expectations, but in the end we may surprise ourselves with how prepared we actually are. In reality, no family is exactly the same. Parents all have their own way of handling parenthood even if it isn’t the way most people may do it. 

9. Problems of Communication

 The main problem in marriages is communication. We all think that once we get married that we automatically will become experts with communication. Communication is a lot harder than people think, because not many people put much effort into communication. We have a hard time putting in effort to communicate to where we don’t practice it, because we think it just comes naturally. More communication is seen through body language rather than actual verbal communication. If you are wanting to communicate a thought or feeling you first need to encode it in a way that the person receiving the message can decode it. 

10. Needs

All parents and children have needs. Some of these needs can be needed more than sleep or food. The first need is a need for contact and belonging. When children are not touched, cuddled, or held then it can prevent them from growing up and developing properly. This has changed many philosophies on child development over the years. A study was done in a hospital where one side of the hospital lacked physical contact and the other had physical contact. The side of the hospital that lacked had kids that stayed sick. Once they changed how they treated the one side of the hospital compared to the other, there was a huge change in the other side getting better. One of the mistaken approaches that we have is undue attention or seeking. There are so many other ways to create contact. Contact can be offered in many ways if it’s through physical contact or even eye contact. A parent's response to contact is to constantly offer contact freely. Making contact with people in a setting that has no threat can make someone feel comfortable. 

Needs

Active Parenting is a very important thing that every parent needs to learn and know. Instead of waiting for the child to misbehave to react we need to focus on meeting their needs before. A parents' purpose is to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world we live in.

All parents and children have needs. Some of these needs can be needed more than sleep or food. The first need is a need for contact and belonging. When children are not touched, cuddled, or held then it can prevent them from growing up and developing properly. This has changed many philosophies on child development over the years. A study was done in a hospital where one side of the hospital lacked physical contact and the other had physical contact. The side of the hospital that lacked had kids that stayed sick. Once they changed how they treated the one side of the hospital compared to the other, there was a huge change in the other side getting better. One of the mistaken approaches that we have is undue attention or seeking. There are so many other ways to create contact. Contact can be offered in many ways if it’s through physical contact or even eye contact. A parent's response to contact is to constantly offer contact freely. Making contact with people in a setting that has no threat can make someone feel comfortable. 

The second need that we have is the need for belonging. A parent's response to making someone think that they belong is teaching their children how to contribute. If they learn how to contribute at home then the more likely they are to contribute in outside groups and eventually their own marriage. 

The third need is power. Some mistakes that can come from power are feeling like you need to have control over people and the feelings of being rebellious. As parents we need to realize that children need choices ( situation, appropriate, and age). With those choices there are consequences whether those consequences are negative or positive. Learning these will result in responsibility. It is important that as parents that we don’t interfere with making choices for our children. It could have positive as well as negative. Kids have choices at every age as long as it is age appropriate choices. Some parents give their children too many choices that they never really get to experience any consequences. Don’t let it get to the point where your child has so many choices that they are controlling the household. If kids know there are people that know better and are powerful then it gives a sense of security. Responsibility comes from age appropriate and situation appropriate choices that have consequences. You need to have natural consequences to the decisions that you make. Things where we don’t let the natural consequences take control: 1-Too Dangerous 2-If the lesson is too far in the future that it’s not useful 3-When it causes harm to someone else. 

The fourth need is to have protection. We all need protection from physical harm and psychological harm. Revenge is the big mistaken approach that is taught to children. You get in revenge cycles to where you feel like you need to get even with the person. We need to teach our kids about assertiveness. You tell them the truth of how you are feeling and experiencing. Very often we are afraid to be assertive because we don’t want to be mean or in the wrong. It is a very vulnerable topic to teach but needs to be taught. We also need to teach forgiveness.

Parenting Interview

    Parenting is something that is very hard and exhausting. There are always things that you want to improve on, but parenting isn’t always perfect. You are constantly learning new ways to parent while parenting. “I wish I could have relaxed more in certain situations. Some things seem SO big when you’re in it, when they actually aren’t. I also had a lot of little kids needing my attention. I wish I could have spent more quality one-on-one time with my children when they were dealing with certain things. Honestly I was just exhausted, especially when they were little people. Now I can see how some of the things that I stressed about also cause my children stress, like being on time for things. My advice would be to just love your kids and have fun! It is such a short period of life. We have done a lot of fun things with our kids but I will always wish we could do more. Those are the times that we make the most memories. I hope my children look back and have fond memories of those things. Obviously structure and discipline are important and need to be present in a home, but try not to sweat the small stuff. It will all work out! I do think its important to re-evaluate your parenting. I know I definitely would have handled some situations differently. It’s important to grow and learn with our kids, there are a lot of ways to parent and we don’t always know the best ways. Parenting is challenging and I know I don’t always have the right answers. Being willing to change your parenting style shows your children that you can be accountable for your mistakes as well and that you are willing to adapt and change because you love them and want what’s best for them. I’m not sure how well I did…there is always room for improvement, and your view may be different than mine, but I do feel like I do some things better now than I did when I was a newer parent.’’ I agree with what my parents said a ton. Going over these interview questions have helped me a ton in knowing how I want to parent and how to parent. 

After going over some questions with my parents, I think the way they explained how their parents match up pretty well with how I remember them parenting. They learned how to parent along the way of actually parenting. I think together as kids and parents we learned what type of parenting worked for us and what didn’t. There were some things that didn’t match up just because it was a part of their parenting that I never realized or paid much attention to. 

My parents have always done the bad cop good cop parenting method. I enjoy this method a lot. My dad has always been the more strict parent, while my mom is more soft spoken and reasonable with us. My Dad can sometimes over react in some situations to where my mom has to calm him down when punishing us. The punishments they give us are typically very reasonable. I like that my parents have expectations rather than being super strict. They like to have things structured but still fun at the same time. My parents said, “Our parenting style when you were younger was probably structured but fun. We had rules, schedules etc. but I wouldn’t consider us to be strict parents. We had expectations of how you should act in certain situations, like not hitting your friends, sharing etc. but I don’t feel like we had any expectations that were too impossible or ridiculous.”

    There aren’t really things that I would change about how my parents parented me except maybe them not changing their parenting style for my other siblings. I am the oldest so I understand that I am the guinea pig of the family, so they were learning with every kid. They’ve gotten a lot less strict with every kid. Even now I see my siblings being able to do things that I never was able to do when I was growing up. 

    I can learn from the past without being in my own box by having a heart at peace. I can see the ways that my parents parented me from their point of view. I think it can help a ton by trying to see their perspective on things and trying to be better at understanding where they were coming from. I know my parents were both parented in very strict ways growing up. Growing up they always said they didn’t want to be the kind of parents that their parents were to them. Knowing that I’ve had a lot of respect for them on finding a way to parent me and my siblings. If I find myself having a heart of war towards them, I try really hard to have compassion and tell myself that it could be a lot worse. “I feel like we did ok at parenting in a way that we wanted to . I definitely wish I could say I never yelled or lost my temper, but I did. That part did not line up with how I thought I would parent my kids. Dad and I both came from homes that were very fear based/driven. We did not want to parent our kids that way, and I feel like overall we have succeeded in that, of course there are some exceptions. But overall I don’t think my kids would say that we parented them using scare tactics or overly threatening consequences.” Learning that my parents were in a fear based family is something I would never want in my family.

The Problems of Communication

        The main problem in marriages is communication. We all think that once we get married that we automatically will become experts with communication. Communication is a lot harder than people think, because not many people put much effort into communication. We have a hard time putting in effort to communicate to where we don’t practice it, because we think it just comes naturally. More communication is seen through body language rather than actual verbal communication. If you are wanting to communicate a thought or feeling you first need to encode it in a way that the person receiving the message can decode it. 

Communication can be seen through 3 types of media. You can use communication through words, tone, and body language. A lot of people communicate but miss using the media they are using. There can be differences in tone with words or words with body language. We use more non verbal communication than we use verbal communication. We tend to trust body language more than verbal communication when dealing with individual meetings. 14% of our communication is words, 35% of our communication is tone, and 51% of our communication is body language. When communicating through electronics, you only get 14% of the communication. You miss out on the other 86% of communication. You aren’t able to see the person’s body language and hear the tone of their voice while communicating with them. The more face to face communication you have the more you are understood and the more the other person is understood. Facetime is something people think will help have the 3 media communications, but there are times where there can be miss communications. The message may be encoded but not decoded on the other end, or the other way around. 

   Today, most of our communication is through calling on the phone and through texting. We hardly really go and talk to people face to face. Once phones became available calling became popular, then texting came along. We’ve found out that more people communicate through the media but communicate with fewer words. Due to the lack of communication, a lot of people find themselves isolating themselves away from people that they would normally communicate with. Culturally we have pushed communication away with the fear of the unknown. We try so much to avoid any kind of risks that we don’t put ourselves in situations where we have to communicate with other people. Because of social media you know a lot of what is going on with someone so that you don’t feel like you have to call them and see how they’re doing. You make the assumption of how they are doing by the things they post on social media. Using social media is used as something that can push people away. Posting all these positive things happening in your life can push people off reaching out to you. 

 Communication can also be hard with different cultures. A lot of the time they have a hard time encoding and decoding in ways that it can be understood. Some are more passionate while the others can be more laid back and chill. There can be a lot of misreading going on with the communication. There are a lot of understating and overstating that can happen. Once you learn to encode and decode each other's different communication, then it makes communication a lot easier. 

        Sarcasm has some challenges that are associated with it. It is very easy to misunderstand and hard to tell if it is sarcasm. A lot of people take it more personally and think it’s rude. You are sending messages in competing directions. Words in one direction while your tone and body language may be going another. Sarcasm is always problematic and can create wedges. Sarcasm is a form of dishonesty. 

    

        The Five Secrets of Communication are the things we see people do but not on a daily basis. Secret number one is the disarming technique. We find the kernel of truth in what the person is saying. Secret number two is thought and feeling empathy. Trying to understand what the person is saying as well as feeling empathy. Secret number three is Inquiry. Asking questions so that you make sure you really understand. Secret number four is the “I feel” statement. This is where you get to express your thoughts and feelings. Secret number five is stroking. Conveying to the person that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions are just as valid as our own.

How Do I Know?

The definition of an engagement is an agreement to be married. It is a promise to meet or be present at a particular place and time where you are asked to be married. We all know the classic engagement. The perfect set up, the perfect guy, the perfect ring, and the words “Will you marry me”. Everyone looks forward to this perfect day. However, engagements aren’t how they used to be. 

Today engagements have become more of a social media event. We are so focused on the pictures, the people that are there, and how the engagement looks that we don’t put much thought into the actual engagement. But how do you know they are the one?

Getting engaged is probably the most important decision you will make in your life. President Gordan B. Hinkley said “ This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry.” We must include the Lord when it comes to us making the decision on who to marry. 

When you are dating someone and it is getting more serious, couples who have a relationship that is progressing from a friendship to steady dating eventually will come to a crossroad. Your relationship can either end in an engagement, continuing steady dating, or it can come to an end. 

In Spencer W. Kimball's statement “Finding the Right One”. He talks about how there is likely not just one person that we are meant to marry. It is so important to know that there are multiple people that we are meant to marry in this life. 

A lot of people have the question on how early is too early for marriage? In “Making a Decision at the Appropriate Time” by President Harold B. Lee says, “I am not trying to urge you younger men to marry too early. I think therein is one of the hazards of today’s living. We don’t want a young man to think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family, to have an institution of his own, to be independent. He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other’s faults and they still love each other. I have said to the mission presidents (some of whom have been reported to us as saying to missionaries, ‘Now, if you are not married in six months, you are a failure as a missionary’), ‘Don’t you ever say that to one of your missionaries. Maybe in six months they will not have found a wife; and if they take you seriously, they may rush into a marriage that will be wrong for them.’“Please don’t misunderstand what we are saying; but, brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands the responsibility; for remember, brethren, that only those who enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage in the temple for time and eternity, only those will have the exaltation in the celestial kingdom. That is what the Lord tells us” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1973, 120; or Ensign, Jan. 1974, 100).

Getting engaged and finding the right person is something everyone looks forward to. It is important that we don’t just make it about sharing it all over social media, but making it more personal and sacred with the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with. 

References
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (n.d.). Mate Selection. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/mate-selection?lang=eng&id=title25#title25

Roles Within The Family

 We always hear about there being roles within families. According to The Family Proclamation "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."(The Family Proclamation, n.d.). We learn what the responsibilities of the parent are but never the children.

Family roles can shape how we act around and with our family members. These roles can help create and maintain balance within our families (Family Roles |, n.d.). Roles within the family are constantly changing. Especially during the Reconstruction Period in the family. Kids can step up into roles when the family changes. These changes can be the result of a sibling moving out or getting married, or even just maturing with age.

The common family roles are: Hero, Rescuer, Mediator, Scapegoat/Blacksheep, Switchboard, Power Broker, Lost Child, Clown, Cheerleader, Nurturer, Thinker, and Truth Teller.

The Hero: This is the “good” and “responsible” child. This person is a high achiever, carries the pride of the family, and he/she overcompensates to avoid looking or feeling inadequate. He/she is often a good leader and organizer, and is goal-oriented and self-disciplined. Sometimes the hero lacks the ability to play, relax, follow others, or allow others to be right.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Rescuer: The rescuer takes care of others’ needs and emotions and problem-solves for others in the family. The rescuer might have difficulty with conflict. He/she takes on the role of rescuer in the name of helping others, though it is often to meet his/her own needs, such as relieving anxiety. This person doesn’t realize that sometimes helping hurts. He/she also lives with a lot of guilt and finds it challenging to focus on him/herself.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Mediator: The mediator can be a rescuer-type although he/she works to keep peace in the family system. This person does the emotional work of the family to avoid conflict. He/she acts as a buffer, and does it in the name of helping others, although it may be for his/her needs. This can be a healthy role depending on how the person mediates.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Scapegoat/Blacksheep:  This is the person the other family members feel needs the most help. Usually this is the family member in need of treatment or in treatment. This person often shows the obvious symptoms of the family being unable to work through problems. The person may have strengths such as a sense of humor, a greater level of honesty, and the willingness to be close to his/her feelings. Yet there can also be an inappropriate expression of feelings, and the person may experience social or emotional problems.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Switchboard: This person is the central information center in the family. He/she keeps track of what’s going on by being aware of who is doing what and when. This person has strength in being the central person to go to and understanding how the family is doing. However, this person focuses on everyone else’s issues rather than his/her own.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Power Broker: This person works at maintaining a hierarchy in the family with him/herself at the top. His/her safety and security with life depends on feeling in control of the environment around him/her.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Lost Child: The lost child is the subservient good child. He/she is obedient, passive, and hidden in the family trauma. He/she stays hidden to avoid being a problem. Generally, this person is flexible and easygoing. However, he/she lacks direction, is fearful in making decisions, and follows without questioning.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Clown: The clown uses humor to offset the family conflict and to create a sense that things are okay. This person has a talent to readily lighten the moment but he/she hides his/her true feelings.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Cheerleader: The cheerleader provides support and encouragement to others. There is usually balance in taking care of his/her own needs while providing a positive influence on those around him/her.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Nurturer: This person provides emotional support, creates safety, is available to others, and can be a mediator. He/she focuses on having and meeting emotional needs, usually in a balanced manner.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Thinker: The thinker provides the objective, reasoning focus. His/her strength is being able to see situations in a logical, objective manner. However, he/she may find it difficult to connect emotionally with others.(Family Roles |, n.d.).

The Truth Teller: This person reflects the system as it is. At times the challenge is how that information is relayed. Other members in the family might be offended or avoid the truth teller because of the power of the truth he/she holds. Strength occurs when this person is coupled with another positive role, such as a nurturer or cheerleader(Family Roles |, n.d.).

Now that you know the different types of roles in the family, you can go back and see what you are even your children are. It was fun for me to go back and see what role I have in my family and if my role has changed. I also loved going through to see what roles my siblings had. Their are so many roles that you can fall under in your family.

References

The Family Proclamation. (n.d.). Church of Jesus Christ. Retrieved January 22, 2022, from https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng

Family Roles |. (n.d.). InnerChange. Retrieved January 22, 2022, from https://www.innerchange.com/parents-resources/family-roles/